THE SEARCH FOR GOD: STRUGGLING WITH DOUBT AND FAITH

THE SEARCH FOR GOD: STRUGGLING WITH DOUBT AND FAITH

“If you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt, as far as possible, all things.”

― René Descartes

Maybe I really am all alone. Maybe there is no omnipotent God who is always with me, who is guiding my future every step of the way. Throughout my life I seemed never to question the notion that God existed. Yet, this year, after a severe bout of depression and suicidal ideation – my aloneness in the universe seemed to penetrate my existence far deeper than ever before. The darkness all around me seemed to shift me into an almost otherworldly state of awareness. And this newfound awareness seemed to suggest without a doubt that God was not there for me – he did not exist. I fell even further into the abyss… the truth seeping deeper and deeper into my skull. My lonely, solitary skull. I could not lift my spirits for even a second. My solitude was inescapable- the world around me was no longer a companion. The existence of everything else simply rendered my loneliness even more final- I accepted the unacceptable – God does not exist.

My faith has always been more of spirituality. From a young age I seemed to connect with the world on a “soul” level, and I “felt” my way through life. Intuition was my guide, and I allowed the subtle swirls of emotion to push me through into spaces that shaped and moulded me. I felt close to God. I sensed his presence in the world through nature. Rain, wind, storms and lightning – the drama of the natural setting illuminated my soul to the divine. I connected with God on a deep, emotional level. I took every moment of deep feeling as a sign of God’s existence. I never questioned my faith as a young boy.

Adolescence, however, was a tumultuous time. It is for most people, but for me it might have been worse. I have been told on many occasions that I tend to “feel” incredibly deeply. In other words, I experience the world with a touch more intensity than others might, and so my emotions are devastatingly ecstatic and fundamentally destructive all at the same time. Adolescence brings with it a complexity – a way to see the world in a thousand different colours all at once, instead of just a few that go well together. Sexual awakenings are confusing and riveting – astounding and devastating all at the same time. The whole entire period of adolescence is a kind of awakening – an awakening into the ambiguous, the disgusting, and the darkly beautiful. During those awkward years, the entire world becomes a doubled edged sword, heavy to wield. My teenage years could be described as a period particularly thriving with ambiguity. I don’t recall a single English essay that I wrote not containing some description of life being both inescapably beautiful and yet sad at the same time. I felt that nostalgic, semi-sweet feeling a million times over. Simply listening to music would invoke this dichotomy. And the same kind of experience applied just as much to God.

I no doubt believed in God in my adolescent years. That much is certain. However… I did approach God with a kind of ambivalence. I couldn’t believe the evil in the World and how God let it all happen. I couldn’t quite understand how God could talk to us through the Bible. Those kinds of ideas plagued my mind. I experienced God in music – both happy and sad- and I was convinced that God wept in heaven when I wept on Earth. I got much solace from the idea that God was emotional just like me. I loved to cry with him about everything that bothered me. I felt God in my emotions so fiercely in my teenage years. My heated, fiery adolescent blood boiled with the mood of a thousand people. I could feel the life-giving power of puberty pour into my body and mind… but for some reason- that hot, life-breathing power has a dark side. The unstable mood can cause one to fluctuate emotionally.

But God now has become a subject, which obsesses me no end. My heartstrings vibrate with existential anxiety as I endlessly Google “Proof God Exists”, or “Is The Christian Faith Reasonable”. My mind seems unable to simply choose a stance. I want to believe wholeheartedly that God is out there and he is wanting to help me… but some logical part of me (or perhaps it is the most illogical part of me, who knows?) says that it is impossible and unrealistic to believe in a spiritual world above and beyond the physical world we currently inhabit. How can there be a God who exists, and yet only talks to us through a book. Just as soon as I have come to the conclusion that God is a fairy tale – my anxiety surrounding my own mortatlity, as well as my own existence, shoots through the roof, and I begin to have urges to harm myself. The frustration and devastation causes me to hate all of our existences – despise the utter fragility, the futility of it all. I want to hurt my bodily flesh in an way that portrays the utter dread and pain of existing in this profound mess. I want to cut the anxiety away – for not knowing the truth totally is too painful to bear.

 Am I really all alone in being able to make my own future. Is it all entirely up to me? Or is there a God who is guiding a path for me? Making a way in the darkness. I pray in the deepest recess of my soul that the latter is true. I pray that I am not alone. I pray that God is here… always and forever.

“If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.”

― C.S. Lewis